Sometimes I feel Like a Speck

Sometimes I feel like a speck. Even though there are so many houses around me, I feel like mine moves as much as Who Ville. So what is going on in our little speck of a house?
Well we have an amazing Dad who works two jobs, goes to school, does boy scouts, spends time with five children, attends foster meetings, and does my house projects, exercises, and even makes time for "needy me".

Cora is really taking off with her reading! Tonight she read one of the American Girl books to me. "Meet Samantha" She has been playing with her Samantha doll all day. I just love helping her change outfits and fixing her up. I secretly wish she had some barbies so we could change their clothes a lot and brush their hair. Yes, I like to play with dolls still.

Jonas is seeming closer to four everyday. Sometimes he has the deepest thoughts and he shares the most interesting dreams. He adores Ila so much that he clenches his teeth when he goes to kiss her. My favorite thing he does is invent weapons and weapon holders. Yesterday he used one of Cora's headbands to hold all his swords. He loves preschool and sunbeams. He always tells me the songs they learned and the "works" he did that day.

Ila is a nonstop talker. She is telling Jonas what to do all day long. We call her the little boss. She is obessed with Lady and the Tramp and wants to watch it several times a day. She is also becoming very independent. She strips and tries to use the toilet, pushes up a stool to wash her hands, and even fed the fish. We had a nice rainbow of goldfish food all over the girls room. It was everywhere and all over the new carpet. Anybody have any ideas how to get rid of the smell?

Then there is me..."If Mom's place is in the home? Why am I always in the car?" Foster care has been the most amazing experience. It has made me both a better person and a better mom to my children. I don't like living in the car and I have been figuring out how to do that less. My time with my biological children has become more meaningful. I work harder to stop what I am doing and treasure small moments alone with each one of them. I love having my girls around to help me see life in different lights. Even though I have never been so busy, I would never take it back. It is an experience that is never understood by others. I can say that I do see people stop and stare sometimes and there are a lot of ignorant people who ask me things they shouldn't. Foster care is made up of this interesting subculture of wonderful people. So many of them have taught me invaluable parenting skills that I will use all of my life. As for my children , they love having teenagers in the house. How do I know? They tell me. And if they are gone, my kids always ask when they are coming back.

The hardest part is letting them go. I have never had such an empty feeling. I have never felt so hollow. As I left the courtroom a few weeks ago, I cried. One of my girls was leaving my home. I always hope they remember what I taught them, but mostly I hope they know how much I love them. Goodbyes are always hard for me and I usually try to avoid them. Another foster parent told me writing about it helped them. I guess I am trying it. I hope that I will get better at it because I have more goodbyes to go.

So back to the speck. Last Sunday, someone told me everyone is busy when I told her I didn't know if I could handle my calling anymore. I guess she was right. No matter how busy you feel everyone is busy in their own life. You have time to do stuff, but you choose what you do with your time. Each household is their own speck and probably everyone feels like their house is a Who Ville at times.